Thursday, 12 July 2012

I have amazing news, Wisbechians. After a carefully prepared bid, and extensive lobbying in the corridors and urinals of power, Wisbech Community Forum has secured finance to produce the blockbuster movie which the residents of Fenland have been salivating over for many years. Thanks to a grant from The Fenland Film Development Foundation, we start shooting in August. We have hired a stellar cast, and this should be the film which finally puts Wisbech in its rightful place.

Intrepid, scandal-busting local journalist Jack Elthansafety (Kevin Whately) has worked for six weeks to expose a cash-for-silence scandal which could bring down several public figures. After plying ex-mayor Jon Framer(Tony Robinson) with pina coladas, Elthansafety believes he has the scoop of a lifetime. Local crime-busting police chief Inspector Sizzle (Christian Bale) needs only one more piece of evidence from Elthansafety before he will order dawn raids on exclusive addresses the length and breadth of Woodcote Park.

Jack Elthansafety, Jon Framer, Inspector Sizzle

Then, Elthansafety fails to show up for work at the local media hub, The Gloathouse. A press conference convened for that morning breaks up in disarray. Stern-face council executive Arthur Milton (Alan Rickman) issues a statement, but he is interrupted from the floor by celebrity campaigner Vanessa Garrod (Dame Maggie Smith). She claims that Elthansafety has been assassinated by a sinister cabal of kebab shop owners, liberal doctors and members of Greenpeace For Gay Marriage.

Arthur Milton, Vanessa Garrod

Meanwhile, plucky blonde councillor and every kid's buddy, Sarah Hoyle (Kate Winslet) believes that there are dirty deeds afoot. She confides in her best friend, burly libertarian activist Stan Turner (Ray Winstone), but as she leaves his executive cafe and eatery, she is unaware of the sinister figure lurking on the corner. As Sam heads back to her illegally parked Mondeo, she fails to notice local gunman Terry Mitchell (Sir Anthony Hopkins) sidling into the cafe and ordering a Raspberry Tea with a slice of gluten-free beetroot cake.

Sarah Hoyle, Stan Turner, Terry Mitchell

As Sarah slides her Mondeo into the luxury garage beneath her Waterlees penthouse, she is aware of a gaunt figure having a pee against the wall. Shaking himself off, he approaches her. It is the legendary Bob The Tramp (Sir Ian McKellen). He shocks her with the revelation, "I know who done it, missus - it was Molly that told me - she came to me in the middle of the night.." He describes in precise detail how Molly (Miriam Margolyes)) appeared to him as a phantom, and told him all the secrets of PE13.

Bob The Tramp, Molly Watkins

What happens next… Has Eltheansafety been silenced by his corporate enemies? Have they gone one step too far in their desperate quest for global power? Has Bob been drinking too much lighter fuel? The film opens at The Luxe cinema, Alexandra Road, Wisbech on September 17th (corporate guests, sponsors, and WTC members only) For the rest of you suckers, you will have to wait until the remaindered DVD appears at a LIDL near you.